Perhaps the reason I’ve been more there than here, is because I’ve been spending too much time in my head. There just seems to be more stuff than usual to think about. Or maybe I’m a little too preoccupied with dreams of future possibilities and opportunities.
Everything feels messy and up-in-the-air, so I feel all scattered and time poor. I go to start something and just don’t seem able to commit to it, and so I start another thing, then feel bad for not finishing off the first thing, go back to it again, run into the same trouble as before, and then start on something entirely different … and so the cycle continues. It’s frustrating and annoyingly inefficient, but I’m hoping to eventually find some method in the madness.
This year was always going to be a pivotal year for me, and perhaps that’s adding to my general out-of-sorts feeling of late. I have a significant bucket of long service leave waiting for me, so I’ve been thinking on how best to use that time (which will hopefully include lots of sleeping and writing). In deciding not to go ahead with our trip to Japan, there are new travel plans in development to venture overseas later in the year (maybe London, maybe New York, maybe Paris … wherever really). These are all happy things to think on for sure, and that’s why the struggle is so puzzling.
So until I figure out how to make myself more here than there, maybe we can all just look at the pretty macaroons and dream of Paris? … Interestingly, the place I dream of most often is somewhere which may be of my own creation – it is a place built from dark black stone and thick-cut steps which lead up to streets with wide cobblestone paths. It is built on a steep outcrop which looks out over a swirling, midnight-coloured ocean. Nestled within this ominous and moody environment, is a surprisingly vibrant and modern city … wherever that place is or isn’t, it seems pretty fabulous to me. Maybe we can all go there together? (the weather always looks really nice, so that’s something). Dream of wondrous things, dear ones.